Friday, April 29, 2011

Down to the wire

Election day is getting close so now is the time to make sure no one wavers. 

The majority will be ours as long as everyone, in the tradition of true Conservatives, keeps their ears covered and their eyes closed until May 2. Fellow sheeple, you must do everything in your power to avoid talking to anyone that may attempt to talk some sense into you change your mind.

Ignore the polls. Turn off the TV. Stop reading the newspaper. These are all tools that the left wing media uses to try to trick you into switching your vote. 

It is very important that at this time you must absolutely ignore the NDP.

These socialists want to ruin the country by not spending billions and billions on new fighter aircraft and instead spending billions and billions on health care. Really? What Canadian wants that? 

Then they want to actually try and do something on the environment. C'mon. What is wrong with the environment? Global warming will be good for Canada.  With the Tory party you can be assured of warmer winters, drier summers and a longer growing season for our Western farmers. Talk about a win, win, win.

I could go on and on (but with your short attention span, none of you would read it anyway), but you get the point. Only the Tory party with its invisible campaign and its promise to do absolutely nothing if elected, other than give you many, many tiny tax cuts for everything you do that is, can be trusted to govern you. Since we have promised to do nothing you know, based on the previous 5 years, that we will succeed in keeping our promise to you, the sheeple of Canada. What other party can say that?

So remember - on May 2, if at all possible stay inside, do not go out, and do not let anyone talk you out of your decision to support PM Harper and the Tory party.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I admit, I was wrong.

In yesterday's post I said that the Conservatives were about to take their campaign into deep freeze until election day. I specifically said:
 "No one will say anything. Candidates have been told to avoid all candidates meetings. Everyone has been told to avoid cameras and especially microphones"
I also said to all you sheeple:
We are also suggesting that to make this lock down doubly effective that all of you with Tory lawn signs, take them down, right away. We don't want anyone to get the wrong idea about anything. And ... if you have any campaign literature, now would be a good time to destroy it as well.
That was the intention at least, but someone forgot to protect "THE BOOK". What book you ask? Well just the 500 page treasure trove for the opposition book that the Tory Party prepared full of deep and profound "contentious" quotes PM Harper has made in the past. To be fair I was partially right. No one stepped in it in front of a microphone ... they just did it in print this time! ARGH!!!!!

Time to calm down ... I am not upset. But this can not be happening again. Not for the third time in three elections. We can't screw it up again. Next thing you know the NDP will be climbing into second place in the polls, stealing away many of our easily fooled innocent sheeple. NOOOOOOOO!

But don't worry my sheeple, there is really a ton of stuff not much in the BOOK that you need to worry about. Most of these quotes were made before PM Harper became PM and then learned how not to say stupidly honest controversial things.

Okay so when talking about health care he did say:
"the best system means having a system where you have as many tiers as possible and you bring in as many health-care dollars into this country as possible"
"the private provision of publicly insured services should be permitted. The monopoly of provision of services is not a value that, in and of itself, is worth preserving.”
but I am sure he was really just talking about making the system better with more tax cuts and more kinds of doctors with more offices and more floors in the hospitals. He wasn't really talking about private medical care like in the US. And even if he was, you can be sure that to compensate you for any extra inconvenience or costs you would receive a very special targeted tax cut or credit just for you and your family, just like happens for other things you buy now like bus passes and hockey lessons.

So don't worry my sheeple. I'm sure that is the end of it. We can go back to sleep mode until May 2.Turn off your TV. Don't listen to the radio. Don't answer the door. And for heaven's sake don't listen to the latest polls lest they shake your confidence.

Monday, April 25, 2011

All quiet on the "right" front

Well fellow sheeple only 1 week until PM Harper gets his well deserved majority government by default. To make sure this happens you may notice that over these next 7 days you will see almost nothing of PM Harper, Tory MPs or Tory candidates. For that matter you will see little of anyone even tangentially associated with the Tory Party.

Why, you ask?

Simple. It's because the Tories learn from past mistakes. In both of the last 2 elections there was someone in the last week of the campaign that made some kind of idiotic and stupid minor comment that was misconstrued by the media and the public and which ultimately costs PM Harper his majority. 

This time will be different. No one will say anything. Candidates have been told to avoid all candidates meetings. Everyone has been told to avoid cameras and especially microphones. The campaign is going into extreme lock down mode. A Tory spokesman confided "We are going into deep freeze mode with this one. We want this as frozen as Tuktoyaktuk in February".

So sheeple if you don't see your candidate at the all candidates debate, or on TV or at your door, don't despair. We are also suggesting that to make this lock down doubly effective that all of you with Tory lawn signs, take them down, right away. We don't want anyone to get the wrong idea about anything. And ... if you have any campaign literature, now would be a good time to destroy it as well.  

Now if you think this is all extremely a little paranoid, trust me it is not. All kinds of crazy things are happening out there. For one the Socialist hordes look to be on the war path. They have already caught up with the Liberals in the polls and with the Bloc in Quebec and now there is only the Tory Party left to halt them before they take over the entire nation. And ... we know the best way to stop them is to make sure they can't find us. They can't attack us if we stay invisible.

If you happen to be confronted by one of the Socialist hordes trying to get you to change your vote, you should simply play dumb, which should be quite easy. You should be aware that they will try to tempt you with tax increases on corporations and more spending for the poor and the environment. Hah! Like that will work. They don't realise that the only thing Canadians want is more tax cuts, especially little meaningless ones targeted especially for them.

On this matter I should let you in on a little secret that is not being announced quite yet, probably because it would be misconstrued by the media. The next tax cut proposal will be to give people a tax credit for attending church on Sunday. That's right, you will now have an extra reason to get up and go to church on Sunday morning. The Tories know that religion and conservative values are what made this country and we want to reward the sheeple that still carry on these outdated traditions. It is also a way to reward our true supporters, who typically are the religious of Canada. So for now, shhhhhhh! But you will hear more soon enough.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

A special letter from PM Harper to President Obama

Fellow sheeple, we all know that PM Harper is a arrogant humble and autocratic generous man. Today I would like to provide you with even more evidence of this fact. I want to share with you the contents of a personal and private letter sent by PM Harper to President Obama in the USA.

Dear Barack,

I am writing to you to express my sincerest thanks for the actions you have taken in rescuing the American economy, at least temporarily, from the ravages of the recession. 

As you are no doubt aware, we in Canada are in the midst of an election campaign. Without your bold, courageous and dare I say fiscally foolhardy extremely expensive actions I am sure that there would be absolutely no chance at all of winning this election and certainly no chance of attaining the elusive majority government that is almost within my grasp. 

Your deficit spending, that while almost bankrupting your nation, has proved a godsend for us.  It has allowed me to keep giving the sheeple more and more tax cuts and it has saved us billions in unemployment insurance that we would have had to pay to unemployed workers (like auto workers). Your efforts to support the economy have also allowed Americans to keep driving big gas guzzling cars and this has helped keep oil demand at elevated levels, which of course is great because we are the ones selling you the oil (more thanks! especially from all your conservative friends in Alberta).

Of course all the money printing by the Fed has hurt us by increasing the value of our currency relative to yours, but that is not totally a bad thing. You see, Canadians now look at their loony as being worth more than an America dollar. Not only is that good for them when they go cross border shopping, it also makes all the sheeple feel that we, the Conservative Party, must be doing a fine job managing the economy.

Rest assured that once I get my majority I will do what I can to help you out in return. For one, once I am re-elected I will immediately confirm that we will be buying as many F-35's as we can afford (well actually we will buy more than we can afford, or need ... but that's how friends help friends, right?).

Thanks again,

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

PM Harper has made you rich!

As we get close to the end of the campaign you will hear more and more from the opposition trying to scare you by telling you all the horrible things that will happen once PM Harper gets his majority. As we have said before, just ignore this talk. PM Harper has only your best interests at heart. He is in no way like the power obsessed, arrogant, humourless, controlling, manipulative dictator that he sometimes comes across as. That perception is just the result of the image obsessed media world that we live in. It has no basis in reality, no matter what your eyes and ears tell you.

In today's message I want to explain to you just why PM Harper is on the verge of attaining a majority. It is very simple. He has made many, many Canadians rich. And who would not vote for more of that!

While so many of our American cousins have been ravaged by the recession and most of all by their collapse in house prices, PM Harper has taken action to make sure that the Canadian housing bubble stays "blown up", at least until after the election.

That's right, the increase in housing prices, especially since PM Harper took office has made many many Canadians richer than they can ever have hoped (at least those Canadians that own homes that is - if you were too slow to buy that's your own fault, what were you thinking, that house prices should actually be correlated to income, Geesh!). The combination of low interest rates, high immigration, and super easy mortgage terms have perfectly inflated the bubble so that all of us home owners benefit.

Now you may be aware that PM Harper has more recently put in some restrictions on new mortgages, making them a bit harder to acquire, and reversing changes previously implemented to make houses easier to buy. Don't worry, although these changes took effect March 18th, it is very unlikely that they will impact your house price until after PM Harper has received his new majority on May 2, and that of course is what is most important. The Tory party explicitly provides no warranty on home prices after May 2!

For those sheeple who may have read a bit more on the housing issue, or fear that Canada may follow the path constructed by the Republican party in the US let me say this: There is no truth to comments that the Canadian housing bubble is just like the US bubble, just on a delayed path. Yes, the Canadian market did only really get going after PM Harper's election in 2006, and after he brought in more mortgage competition and less regulation, and easier terms, but those are just inconvenient facts. The important thing is that your house has gone up in value and it continues to at least hold that value. Really, what else is important?

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Don't be afraid!

As sheeple I can tell you that according to research it is very likely that we have larger amygdalas than your average Canadian. That is right, Conservatives are thought to have bigger amygdalas! What is an amygdala you ask? Well it is a part of your brain that deals with anxiety and emotions and is linked to the management of fear. Scientific work seems to indicate that if you have a larger amygdala then your political views will tend to be more conservative. 

On the other hand if you have a larger than average anterior cingulate cortex (ACC) and a smaller amygdala then it is likely that you will have more liberal views. This is said to be the part of the brain that is linked to an interest in understanding new and/or complex things, something of course that we as sheeple have no interest in.

So what, you ask? Well ... the upshot seems to be that those of us with larger amygdalas are more likely to be comfortable with traditional values and more willing to support outdated positive ideas like more defense spending, capital punishment, and patriotism. This also explains why many of us feel uncomfortable with liberal views on issues like gun control, immigration, or foreign aid.

Although it all sounds wonderful, having a large amygdala can cause one small problem and it is important that you are aware of it during the election campaign. It turns out that those with larger amygdalas are also more susceptible to appeals that involve fear. So if you hear the opposition parties trying to scare you, for example trying to get you to be scared of a PM Harper majority, you now know why. They are trying to access your bigger amygdala.

Now rest assured that the Conservative Party would never resort to these kinds of tactics to get your vote (after all you have a larger amygdala and therefore are more likely to vote Tory anyway). When PM Harper talks about coalitions with the Bloc or Liberal fiscal mismanagement, budget deficits, or high spending, or the scary union influenced NDP, or losing health care or patronage or... he is not trying to scare you, just the opposite. He is just trying to relate to your super sized amygdala. That's why you should ignore the kind of comments like in today's Globe and Mail.

To be sure, the meat of the Conservative message is rooted in attack: warning of an “unnecessary election” that could result in a “fragile coalition,” of also-ran parties that, to add the latest trope, would threaten national unity by leaving the government in thrall to the separatists.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Pure dumb luck genius

Not much has been said about the pure dumb luck "genius" of PM Harper's decision to select May 2 as election day. 

I already noted in a previous entry that for most college and university students May 2 will be their first day of work at their summer jobs, and therefore this should make them less likely to go out and vote (they may be living away from where they are registered, or more likely just the normal fatigue from a day of hard work will probably be enough to make most of these typically not Tory voting young people stay home).

But, the genius does not end there. Think what major Canadian event happens just 2 days before election day. That's right, April 30th is the day by which your taxes need to be filed, and most people do leave it to the last minute. So think of what is going through most people's heads just a few days before the election.

Thank you PM Harper:
- for my tax credit for Jimmy's hockey and baseball
- for my tax credit for Mary's school bus pass
- for not making me pay tax on the 0.25% interest I made in my TSFA account
- for my parents being able to income split my Dad's pension

and thank you for the tax credits yet to come
- an adult fitness credit
- doubling the child fitness tax credit 
- child arts tax credit
- higher tsfa deductions
- a family care giver tax credit
- family tax cut
- more income splitting
- planting a tree tax credit 
- driving education tax credit
- feeding the birds tax credit
- shoveling your own sidewalk tax credit
- take your kids to the zoo tax credit
- holiday tax credit
- sunscreen tax credit
- work clothes tax credit
- TGIF tax credit
- an apple a day tax credit

There you have it. Tax cut after tax cut after tax cut. Who can not love that ... and a perfect reminder to all income earning Canadians (talk about free advertising) just 2 days before the election.

Clearly just about every Canadian will be getting a tax credit (or six) for something, and if they are not, you can be assured that PM Harper will find a way to make sure they will get one soon. Absolutely no idea is too "out there" if a tax cut is involved.

Of course you will hear some of those tax and spend types complaining that all this does is complicate the tax system (of course it does) and that with all the receipts people will have to keep, especially as most now e-file, it is going against the trend to simplicity (of course it is). Others point out that it would be far more efficient just to reduce overall tax rates (of course it would).  So what? If bribing giving each Canadian their own little personal feel good tax deduction helps win elections, what is not to like?

Then there are those bothersome deficit hawks that want to do more than just talk about how they will reduce the deficit. These spoil sports actually point out that all these tax cuts will make it much much harder to eventually balance the budget. Yeah, so what? The point is to win elections not balance budgets, haven't you been paying attention?

It is important to remember my fellow sheeple that in the end all these tax cuts, no matter how much they cost, will not impact on our cuts to health care or to other programs. Receiving tax credits, no matter how small, how useless, how ridiculous or how economically distorting is a basic Canadian right. Remember too that we are Tories. We only cut taxes, not spending. And ... that always reduces the budget deficit, trust us.